Time flies.

Tomorrow is the 1st day of the 2011-2012 school year. Hard to believe that i have a middle schooler (7th) and a kindergartner this year! Im amazed at how smart Jordan is. At 12, he already knows he wants to be an architect. I know that may change, but for now that's his plan. He loves to draw, design, and build. Im proud of how smart and talented he is. Ally is bright and inquisitive and full of light. She loves school and making friends. I know she will have a blast this year. (proud of her, too)

Jackson will miss the 1st day of school. (again) Deployment is heading into it's 7th month, and the 1st day of school is just one of many things he and the kids have missed out on. Yes, i know that's part of the army life, but does it make it easier? No. Of course there will be pictures, but it's not the same. I know there isn't a lot of the deployment left to go, but there is still a lot to be missed. :(

Jackson goes to the promotion board this week. Fingers crossed and prayers said for him to pass. It's way past time, and much deserved. I can't wait to hear some good news for a change. With the promotion, we're looking at reenlistment and a pcs in the new year. (hoping)

My birthday is next weekend. Ugh... Getting older sucks. I think i'd like to stop at this one and stay this age for awhile. No plans as usual. Not that it matters anyway. I'll be with my kids, and thats all i need. We might set up for the post yard sale. Could use some of this stuff out of here, and some extra pocket money would be nice. :)

Well, until next time....

J

Something to think about...

No matter how hard you try, no matter how many hours you spend pondering and planning, and regardless of how hard you try, you absolutely cannot please everyone. It is impossible. So do yourself a favor and stop now, before you drive yourself farther toward insanity. There are many drawbacks to being a people-pleaser. A big one is that you often put yourself in a position of subservience. Sometimes you even put yourself last, which helps no one. Remember that helping yourself and doing what you feel is important should be valued. Find worth in your own opinions and viewpoint, and don't let your desire to please others compel you to keep yourself in the background. Falling short of perfection only proves that you are a normal human being.

That was in an email I got today. Couldn't have been more true if i had written it myself. I have always been a people pleaser. I have always wanted everyone around me to be happy, even if it cost me my own happiness. A lot of times, it did. I've put myself last so many times, that it's something im used to. I wish i knew how to put myself first. I NEED to learn how to put myself first, even if it doesn't happen a lot. I want so much for people to like me, to be my friend that i sacrifice a part of myself in doing so. Why should i care if people like me? I think it's because i want more than 1 or 2 people to be there for me. Being an army wife and mom, it's not always easy. Being in a family community you would think it's easy to find, make, and keep friends but it's not for me. I've made friends pretty quickly, only to turn around and find out they weren't really my friend to begin with. I know it shouldnt matter how many friends you have, but to me it kinda does. Why does Sally have 6 people who would drop everything to help her out, when i have 1 or 2? Yeah, yeah it's the quality not the quantity that matters. I get that, but doesn't mean i wouldn't like to get lunch with, have coffee with, go shopping with etc more than 1 person. The 2 people that are truly my friend are great. If it wasn't for them, i would have noone outside my family.

I know i'm not always easy to be around. Im not always happy go lucky, smiley, positive or upbeat, but that's me. A true friend would understand and be ok with it. One day i will learn (i hope) not to put so much thought process into friendships.

Maybe if i quit worrying about what people think about me and work on me, i will learn to be happy with myself and wont care so much about how others see me.

emotional roller coaster

Today has felt like fuck jennifer day. I dont know if im just overreacting, or i see things that really aren't happening, or what. I get so tired of being nice and sweet when i get shit on. If i speak my mind, then im a bitch. I have always tried to please everyone around me. always. i've put myself last so many times, even when i know i shouldn't, even when i know im being screwed. even when i know better. I just cant say no. When will i matter? When will i be good enough to be first?

I've been in tears a few times today for various reasons. I've been hurt so much that i was crying in public and my 5 year old had to ask me if i was crying again. Who does that? I just want to scream and cry and beat on the wall until i break.

Maybe im just having a pity jennifer day.

I've always been a peacemaker in confrontational situations. I guess being the middle child does that to you. I have been a very sensitive person since i can remember. when i was younger, things could hurt me, and noone would know because i kept it to myself. I could lock my feelings up inside and noone would ever know i was pissed off, or hurt. I would act like a bitch and be tough as a defense mechanism. Since i've had my youngest, im not like that.

I still try to be the peacemaker, not because i want to but because it's who i am. I still lock certain things up, but its not so easy for me to keep it to myself. Im VERY sensitive, and i get my feelings hurt really easily. Always have. Now, its not so easy for me not to let it show. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it usually shows on my face when im hurt. Sometimes, it feels like a physical hurt depending on who hurt my feelings and what the situation was. People i think im closer to, seem to hurt the most.

Sometimes i wish that i could let things roll off my back and not let things get to me, but its hard.

Today has been ugh, for lack of better words. Jackson being gone was on my mind ALL day. I mean, i know he's gone every day, but it didn't seem to leave my thoughts all day. I guess with another school year about to start, and my birthday coming up made me think about yet another thing he's missing. He missed last yr being in california for training. I told Ally daddy should be home for kindergarten graduation, and she was SO excited. It breaks my heart thinking about all the things the kids miss with jackson being gone, and all the things he misses with the kids. You would think i'd be used to it, but im not. Especially with Ally being older now. She loves her daddy so much. (so does jordan)

We picked up a few more school supplies today. Crazy that im going to have a kindergartner and a middle schooler in a couple weeks. Since Jordan is so tall for his age, i am having to by him men's sizes! Of course, thats more money to spend on shoes, shirts, etc. Cant believe how big he's getting. I dont know what i'll do with myself since Ally will be in school all day this year.

Well, thats been my day and now its well past time for it to end. good night

been a few days

So, i went to the dr wednesday about my headaches. He prescribed 2 meds, and an mri. My headaches have gotten better since i went in. I have to follow up in a few weeks. Im hoping they dont come back like they were, because i haven't had that much pain in a long time.

Got some school shopping done this weekend. thankfully neither kid needs a ton of supplies. I just have to buy Jordan an entire wardrobe since he has uniforms this year. Ugh.

We've been able to skype with jackson a few times this week. It's nice to be able to see and talk to him like that, even though our connection sucks and we have to turn the video off. I love that he can see Ally acting goofy or singing and dancing. Jordan hasn't been home while we've skyped, but hopefully next time he can join. I miss my husband so much. Some days im ok, and the time seems to be going pretty fast. Other days, i feel dead inside and my heart hurts. :( I cant wait for this deployment to be over with.

1st blog

I've always liked to write. I wrote poems and short stories when i was younger, and i've always found peace in words. I've had a lot on my mind lately, and a lot of stress, so im hoping this blog will be a good way for me to "talk" about what's on my mind. I've never been comfortable with talking in person to people about my feelings, and would much rather write it down. Some days i may be funny, some days i may be pissed at the world, and some days i may have a lot to get off my chest. Im sure some of you will judge me or talk about me behind my back, and thats fine. But, i hope if you decide to read my blog, that you will learn something from me or vice versa.