11-1-11

Ok...let's try to catch up here.

So, soccer and football are over. :( I love watching my kid's play sports, even if the practices and being gone most nights, kill me. Jordan is a kick ass ball player, and i cant wait til spring, so he can go back in soccer. Ally improved SO much this season. She loved her coach and team, so im hoping she will stay with them next season.

1st report cards came out. Jordan had all A's, except in art and that was a B because some kid broke his clay sculpture and he couldn't fix it in time. Ally is progressing as expected.

Jackson went to the promotion board (again) and PASSED!!! He was pinned last week, and is now a SGT! :) Now, he's waiting to reenlist for 5 more years. We also got news that in June, we will be headed to Ft sill, ok. Not too sure about that one yet.

Jordan is growing up to be a fine young man. Some days i cant believe he's almost a teen. He goes with his friends to the library a lot, to hang out, and is more independent. He was invited to be in the jr beta club again this year. So happy that he does so well in school.

Ally has been having a few behavior issues home and in school. She was able to talk to daddy last week, and had an excellent day after that. She's just really missing him, and it's showing in her behavior.

Not much new with me. Trying to stop worrying about what others think of me, and just be me. It's hard, though. I have always wanted to feel accepted, and to have friends i can turn to. Aside from 1 or 2 people, i feel like i have noone who truly wants to be a friend.

Im sure there has been something left out, and maybe i'll remember and add it another time. In closing, i would like to say that i am thankful i have beautiful, healthy, happy kids who are my whole reason for being. And, a wonderful, supportive husband who loves me in spite of all my flaws. So, glad this deployment is coming up to it's end soon.

Things about me

I didn't realize it's been so long since my last blog. I have a lot to catch up on, but i'll save it for next time. Til then, here are some things about me...

I am extremely sensitive, and i get my feelings hurt easily. and alot.

I complain about a lot of things. I don't know why, but i do.

I get frustrated easily, so there are things i don't do, that i would like to.

I have a lot of great ideas, but never seem to be able to bring them to life.

I forgive, but i never forget.

I will tell you im fine, when im really not, but if asked, i will still say im fine.

I hold a grudge. You may think everything is peachy, but you better believe im still pissed off over something you said or did. (you as in a general you, not any specific person)

I have an odd sense of humor, and may find things funny that noone else does.

I may offend some with my humor, or other things I say, but i dont do it intentionally.

I have the biggest heart of anyone you can know. I will do whatever i can to help someone out, even if i put myself on the back burner. This causes some people to think they can walk all over me.

I have a lot to give and rarely get to, because some people choose not to get to know me.

I love my kids, husband, and family more than anything else in this world.

I'm lonely, even when im with someone else.

I cry a lot.

I smile, even when i feel like crying.

I dont like asking someone for help.

There's much more, but that's all for now.

Let's play catch up

So, the kid's started school august 1st. We're pretty much in a routine with that now. Jordan get's up about quarter after 6 and gets ready. H'e been walking to school so Ally can sleep a little longer. She gets up about 7:20 and get's ready. Jordan walks home, and i get Ally about 3:15.

Football practice has started, and that's making bedtime routine a little harder. It doesn't end til 8 or after, and Ally's bedtime is 7. so, i get to deal with whinyness and attitude because she doesn't get enough sleep. Nothing i can do about it since im the only one here to be with the kid's. Ally is supposed to be in soccer, but yet again Ft Knox cant get it together. She STILL doesn't have a team or a coach, even though I was told teams would be dissolved 2 days ago.

I had my mri last week for my headaches. Results should be back, but i dont have an appt until the 25th. Been getting headaches again, after not having them for a few weeks. so, it would be nice to get some answers. Sleeping way too much, too. I've fallen back into not being able to go bed, then not being able to get up. My nights and days seem to be backwards.

I've decided to try and not worry about how other people feel about me. Either they like me and want to get to know me, or they dont. Im tired of the fake people, who pretend to be a friend, then talk about me behind my back.. I got out of school a LONG time ago. It's hard, though. I've always tried to be nice to people, so i dont like knowing some think bad of me. Oh well...

Happy?? Birthday

Happy 33rd birthday to me. The day started WAY too early for me. We were having a yard sale today, and i was hoping to get rid of a lot of stuff. Too bad the 5 minute down pour had other plans. That was fun... Me and Jordan rushed to get everything inside, but it all got soaked. Of course, right after everything came in, the rain stopped!

Ally got up and came down to tell me happy birthday. She's been talking about it all week for some reason. She even sang to me a little later. :) Jamie came over to do her laundry, and we went to snappy's for lunch. I was ready for bed then lol.

Jackson's grama called to wish me a happy birthday, and she sang to me too lol. I thought that was nice, and she apologized for forgetting to send me a card. After Jamie left, we went to Heather's. She baked me a cake and her and Tye got me pretty roses. Thank God for friends like this.

At Heather's, Ally got a little upset over me not having a party and presents. :/ I guess she thought we'd go bowling like she did for hers. Silly kid. All in all, it's been a pretty good day. Love Jordan for helping set up the yardsale, and Ally for being so excited for my birthday. Now, if only i would hear from my husband.

Pity Party

Yeah, i'm having a pity party, so what? Once, i would love for something good to come our way. Just once! Jackson's been studying for the board for at least 4 months now. He's been screwed over a few times due to someones mistake on paperwork and what not. He flew to Salerno last week (finally) to go in front of the promotion board. The day comes that he is supposed to go, and he doesn't even get to go! This time it's because some scores on his form weren't good until the day of the interview. Of course, even though noone told him the whole freaking week he was there, it's his fault. In the 5 years we've been married, he's been jerked around in one way or another by the army. He is a hell of a soldier. His sgt's have told him this many times. He goes above and beyond all the time with no backtalk or other disrespect to his nco's. they call on him to do "extra" work because it looks good on him to do it, but where the hell has it gotten him? Extra work and no recognition for it.

I'm so tired of this being in his grasp for something stupid to come and fuck it up. when will he get a break? All these other guys can get promoted like it's nothing, but he works his ass off and gets screwed every single time!

I'm proud of the soldier he is and the work he does, and he more than deserves this. So, when is it his turn?

I love you Jackson. <3

Time flies.

Tomorrow is the 1st day of the 2011-2012 school year. Hard to believe that i have a middle schooler (7th) and a kindergartner this year! Im amazed at how smart Jordan is. At 12, he already knows he wants to be an architect. I know that may change, but for now that's his plan. He loves to draw, design, and build. Im proud of how smart and talented he is. Ally is bright and inquisitive and full of light. She loves school and making friends. I know she will have a blast this year. (proud of her, too)

Jackson will miss the 1st day of school. (again) Deployment is heading into it's 7th month, and the 1st day of school is just one of many things he and the kids have missed out on. Yes, i know that's part of the army life, but does it make it easier? No. Of course there will be pictures, but it's not the same. I know there isn't a lot of the deployment left to go, but there is still a lot to be missed. :(

Jackson goes to the promotion board this week. Fingers crossed and prayers said for him to pass. It's way past time, and much deserved. I can't wait to hear some good news for a change. With the promotion, we're looking at reenlistment and a pcs in the new year. (hoping)

My birthday is next weekend. Ugh... Getting older sucks. I think i'd like to stop at this one and stay this age for awhile. No plans as usual. Not that it matters anyway. I'll be with my kids, and thats all i need. We might set up for the post yard sale. Could use some of this stuff out of here, and some extra pocket money would be nice. :)

Well, until next time....

J

Something to think about...

No matter how hard you try, no matter how many hours you spend pondering and planning, and regardless of how hard you try, you absolutely cannot please everyone. It is impossible. So do yourself a favor and stop now, before you drive yourself farther toward insanity. There are many drawbacks to being a people-pleaser. A big one is that you often put yourself in a position of subservience. Sometimes you even put yourself last, which helps no one. Remember that helping yourself and doing what you feel is important should be valued. Find worth in your own opinions and viewpoint, and don't let your desire to please others compel you to keep yourself in the background. Falling short of perfection only proves that you are a normal human being.

That was in an email I got today. Couldn't have been more true if i had written it myself. I have always been a people pleaser. I have always wanted everyone around me to be happy, even if it cost me my own happiness. A lot of times, it did. I've put myself last so many times, that it's something im used to. I wish i knew how to put myself first. I NEED to learn how to put myself first, even if it doesn't happen a lot. I want so much for people to like me, to be my friend that i sacrifice a part of myself in doing so. Why should i care if people like me? I think it's because i want more than 1 or 2 people to be there for me. Being an army wife and mom, it's not always easy. Being in a family community you would think it's easy to find, make, and keep friends but it's not for me. I've made friends pretty quickly, only to turn around and find out they weren't really my friend to begin with. I know it shouldnt matter how many friends you have, but to me it kinda does. Why does Sally have 6 people who would drop everything to help her out, when i have 1 or 2? Yeah, yeah it's the quality not the quantity that matters. I get that, but doesn't mean i wouldn't like to get lunch with, have coffee with, go shopping with etc more than 1 person. The 2 people that are truly my friend are great. If it wasn't for them, i would have noone outside my family.

I know i'm not always easy to be around. Im not always happy go lucky, smiley, positive or upbeat, but that's me. A true friend would understand and be ok with it. One day i will learn (i hope) not to put so much thought process into friendships.

Maybe if i quit worrying about what people think about me and work on me, i will learn to be happy with myself and wont care so much about how others see me.

emotional roller coaster

Today has felt like fuck jennifer day. I dont know if im just overreacting, or i see things that really aren't happening, or what. I get so tired of being nice and sweet when i get shit on. If i speak my mind, then im a bitch. I have always tried to please everyone around me. always. i've put myself last so many times, even when i know i shouldn't, even when i know im being screwed. even when i know better. I just cant say no. When will i matter? When will i be good enough to be first?

I've been in tears a few times today for various reasons. I've been hurt so much that i was crying in public and my 5 year old had to ask me if i was crying again. Who does that? I just want to scream and cry and beat on the wall until i break.

Maybe im just having a pity jennifer day.

I've always been a peacemaker in confrontational situations. I guess being the middle child does that to you. I have been a very sensitive person since i can remember. when i was younger, things could hurt me, and noone would know because i kept it to myself. I could lock my feelings up inside and noone would ever know i was pissed off, or hurt. I would act like a bitch and be tough as a defense mechanism. Since i've had my youngest, im not like that.

I still try to be the peacemaker, not because i want to but because it's who i am. I still lock certain things up, but its not so easy for me to keep it to myself. Im VERY sensitive, and i get my feelings hurt really easily. Always have. Now, its not so easy for me not to let it show. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it usually shows on my face when im hurt. Sometimes, it feels like a physical hurt depending on who hurt my feelings and what the situation was. People i think im closer to, seem to hurt the most.

Sometimes i wish that i could let things roll off my back and not let things get to me, but its hard.

Today has been ugh, for lack of better words. Jackson being gone was on my mind ALL day. I mean, i know he's gone every day, but it didn't seem to leave my thoughts all day. I guess with another school year about to start, and my birthday coming up made me think about yet another thing he's missing. He missed last yr being in california for training. I told Ally daddy should be home for kindergarten graduation, and she was SO excited. It breaks my heart thinking about all the things the kids miss with jackson being gone, and all the things he misses with the kids. You would think i'd be used to it, but im not. Especially with Ally being older now. She loves her daddy so much. (so does jordan)

We picked up a few more school supplies today. Crazy that im going to have a kindergartner and a middle schooler in a couple weeks. Since Jordan is so tall for his age, i am having to by him men's sizes! Of course, thats more money to spend on shoes, shirts, etc. Cant believe how big he's getting. I dont know what i'll do with myself since Ally will be in school all day this year.

Well, thats been my day and now its well past time for it to end. good night

been a few days

So, i went to the dr wednesday about my headaches. He prescribed 2 meds, and an mri. My headaches have gotten better since i went in. I have to follow up in a few weeks. Im hoping they dont come back like they were, because i haven't had that much pain in a long time.

Got some school shopping done this weekend. thankfully neither kid needs a ton of supplies. I just have to buy Jordan an entire wardrobe since he has uniforms this year. Ugh.

We've been able to skype with jackson a few times this week. It's nice to be able to see and talk to him like that, even though our connection sucks and we have to turn the video off. I love that he can see Ally acting goofy or singing and dancing. Jordan hasn't been home while we've skyped, but hopefully next time he can join. I miss my husband so much. Some days im ok, and the time seems to be going pretty fast. Other days, i feel dead inside and my heart hurts. :( I cant wait for this deployment to be over with.

1st blog

I've always liked to write. I wrote poems and short stories when i was younger, and i've always found peace in words. I've had a lot on my mind lately, and a lot of stress, so im hoping this blog will be a good way for me to "talk" about what's on my mind. I've never been comfortable with talking in person to people about my feelings, and would much rather write it down. Some days i may be funny, some days i may be pissed at the world, and some days i may have a lot to get off my chest. Im sure some of you will judge me or talk about me behind my back, and thats fine. But, i hope if you decide to read my blog, that you will learn something from me or vice versa.